The Fake Joint Bank Account

Jen,

Alas, I must admit that I’d rather have chronic diarrhea for the rest of my life than plan a wedding; however, I’m excited for you guys to get hitched and seal my karma. And, of course, I’m all set to get my online minister certificate with The Universal Life Church and wear a totally inappropriate hot red dress to your wedding. Did I tell you that they insist I sign an agreement saying, essentially, that all people are nice? Yawn.

Scott and I opened up a fake joint bank account yesterday solely to prove we’re domestic partners. Domestic partnerships = excellent health insurance = free medical massages for Wendi. Did you see the article in the NY Times the other week about how couples are getting married just for health insurance? They may as well have interviewed me during a shiatsu session.

Our appointment at the bank went as follows:

Nice bank lady: "How much would you like to start your account with?"
Wendi: "Could you just open it with this $5 bill?"

Nice bank lady: “Would you like an ATM card for your joint account?”
Wendi: “Nah.”

NBL: “Would you like checks with both of your names on it?”
Wendi: “Um, doesn’t that cost $20? No thanks.”

NBL: “Do you both want online access to the account?”
Control Freak Wendi: “I’ll be the only one accessing the account. Are there any penalties associated with closing the joint account within a few weeks?”

Confused but Nice Bank Lady: “You did say you wanted a joint account, right?”
Wendi: “This is really more of a formality.”

Tomorrow our bank account will be official, and then we’re going to the post office to have our domestic partnership proof verification notarized. Essentially, we’re getting married by the angry mail lady!

Beyond awesome. Scott wants to dress up for the occasion.

xx,
Your solemn and faithful future minister

We Booked a Date! We Booked a Date!

Dearest Wendi,

So not only is our wedding date almost a palindrome, but it's also exactly one month before my birthday. And not only is that cool in itself, but I will also still be only 28 when I get married! Woohoo!

Now is where I prepare to defend myself over the fact that I am not, quite, yet engaged. So I don't have the ring on my finger. And I haven't been officially proposed to. Because the ring has not even been purchased (and I know for a fact it has not). Whatev. You know that the BF and I are MFEO - you, after all, are responsible for our match in the first place! You knew it before I did! We just moved to London together. We have a joint checking account. We even have (adorable) names picked out for our children! And also? In case you are still going to give me crap about this? See below:

(Me diving into my MBA program in a few months)*(Having way less time to plan after September) + Planning a wedding from abroad + Booking a fabulous, popular location that is very meaningful for us = Admittedly inverse yet necessary order of operations

See? It's a mathematical fact that things had to happen this way.

The best part is that now I get to plan it! I have dreamt of my wedding my whole life. Now I can actually BUY all those bridal magazines instead of just gazing at them longingly from behind an US Weekly! I can surf all those wedding sites without being afraid the BF will see them in my web history! This is going to be fab. Ooh. I also need to decide on a ring ASAP. So much to do! TG I'm unemployed.

Just don't tell anyone, k? The BF and I are keeping this to ourselves (and you, and my cousin - she is after all the maid of honor, and probably my best married friend Sharon).

Yours in almost-engaged-bride-to-be bliss,
xoxo
Your Favorite Domestic Goddess