Introducing the Parents...

Jen,

I think I finally stopped laughing over your big non-engagement ring "outing" your first day of business classes! Are you now known as "engagement ring Jen"? I'm sure there are 5-10 Jens in your program, so you clearly have some sort of descriptor going on before your name.

Ahem. Actually, while we were planning on getting Domestic Partnered in the post office, in the end we decided to be even *more* romantic and do it at the bank instead.

In response to your question re: my betrothed status, let's just say our parents aren't quite satisfied yet. Aside from that, anytime I refer to "My Partner, The Doctor," people either assume that a) I'm speaking about my business partner or b) I'm a lesbian.

Sigh.

But! BUT! The Doctor's family will be travelling from NYC to New England to visit my family this Thanksgiving and have their formal introductions.

Amazingly, I'm not nervous in the least. Mostly because of the following mathematical calculation (hello, you know how much we Asians love math).

Fabulous half-Asian family + Fabulous Jewish family = Super Fun Times.

Of course my wonderful Asian mum is already obsessing over all the following:

* "Where will The Doctor sleep?"

Mind you, because we're not married, my Asian mum typically puts us on SEPARATE FLOORS. Um, seriously. a) I'm almost 30 and b) We live together and c) We have been together for over 2 years and d) Mother, puh-lease! You're always embarrassing me!

* "What do Jewish people (read: non-Asian people) eat?"

Okay. As I have been dating Jewish guys since 1999, you think she would have a handle on this already, but she continues to obsess. This is the friendly exchange we had today:

Asian Mum: "Sue, what will The Doctor's family want to eat? No pork, right???!!"

Mean, Impatient Daughter: "Ma, I told you! They eat everything!"

Asian Mum: "What? Really? They eat pork?"

M.I.D.: "As The Doctor says, 'No one loves bacon as much as a Jew.' "

Asian Mum: "Bacon's too fatty. I don't want your father eating so much fat. His belly keeps getting bigger! He looks pregnant. Is The Doctor getting fat? Does he look pregnant? You both have to stop eating so much!"

M.I.D.: "Ma, stop being mean! I told you not to start making Fat Comments when we're home this time. Please, try not to tell The Doctor to "suck it in" while he's resting on the couch this time, okay? You're turning into your mother!"

Asian Mum: "I'm not being mean. Mummy loves you and The Doctor. Only Mummy will tell you the truth. Anyway, we're not having bacon. I want to have a make-your-own-sushi party."

I mean, obviously she does. We'll all just sit around in our lovely kimonos, eat sashimi with chopsticks in our hair, and occasionally get up to shuffle around the house with our little feet.

The meeting will obviously be a riot.

Love,

Fatso Sue

DomestiGals and Body Fat

Oops. First of all, when I wrote the subject title I had, "DomestiGals and Body Fart."

Not exactly what our community would really want to hear, I'm sure. That said, I know you're all just dying to hear about our body fat percentages!

Which brings me to my big question for Jen: Now that you're nerding-away in MBA la-la land, is your butt getting bigger?

I mean, I know anytime I've been in school, my butt has definitely expanded.

Jen, are you still going to be seeing Colossus? Tell me more about Bridal Boot Camp rather than Math Boot Camp! Will he still be threatening to take your body fat percentage by pinching the fat AROUND YOUR KNEE? (Isn't he aware that your wedding-dress-of-dreams won't be showing your knees?)


Photo via NYMag.

I have a feeling Colossus thinks your wedding-dress-of-dreams is supposed to look like this:


Photo Courtesy: www.herhighnessness.com

BTW, this seems insane, no? I remember getting body fat percentages done in my high school health class, and my 99 year old teacher squeezing my triceps while encouraging us to draw pictures of testicles. (I'm not joking, we had to draw pictures of testicles. I was so embarrassed, as I had never seen real, live testicles before! But that's another story...)

Back in high school, my body fat percentage was around 24%, which is insane, since I was in a ballet company. I think it was just because we weren't doing any strength training. Now that I've got my butt-busting-DomestiGal workout to adhere to, my doctor told me last year I'm down to 17%. I'd applaud, except I watched some cheerleader MTV special the other day (reason #10 why I don't have a TV) where all these girls were getting screamed at for having body fat measurements of 13%.

Obviously I watched this episode with an overflowing bowl of buttered popcorn and beer.

Anyway, for some reason I feel like knee-fat-squeezing borders on being inhumane. Aside from all this, I'm just mad at Colossus for making me even more neurotic and checking every-other-glass-of-wine to see if the fat around my hefty-Asian-cankles has since expanded.

Solemnly,

DomestiGal Sue

Feng Shui Wedding

I know, I know.

Sometimes, I get a little too Asian on you when it comes to certain things (though I know you love it when I tell stories of my darling Asian mummy!)

But, listen up. Recently, The Doctor and I have started to Feng Shui our house (hello, we're not going to have a wedding, so we may as well Feng Shui our 5th floor Manhattan walk-up).

Anyway, thanks to my friend Joya, the creator of this hilarious Anti-Constipation Weight Loss book called The Shitter's Guide, we have totally made some simple changes to our house. I think you and The Lawyer can do this to your house, you can do this in your new dorm room (oh, Jen, how I cringe thinking of you living in a dorm room again!) and, finally, at your wedding.

So, here's what happened. As you know, The Doctor and I have been seeing a Financial Advisor, whom I've been referring to as The Savior. If you take a look at the Feng Shui chart, above, you'll see that Wealth is governed in the upper left corner of the house and room (when you walk into the room from the main entrance, the upper left corner is furthest away from you, and, duh, on the left). Well, apparently our "Wealth" corner is where our bathroom is!

Of course, we can't just start picking up our toilet and moving it around.

Joya, our Feng Shui expert, pointed out that all our money was -- in a matter of speaking -- running down the bathtub drain, the bathroom sink, and the toilet! Now we keep the toilet seat closed (thank Buddha, as The Doctor has needed more of an incentive to remember to keep the lid down), have a jade plant in the bathroom, and keep all drains plugged unless they're being used.

Secondly, our Relationship corner (upper right hand corner of the house and the room) is right where our bedroom is! Absolutely perfect! We just had to adjust the mirror, add a water element, and add more flashes of red to the room.

So my point is that I think you can add some elements of feng shui to your wedding, because -- guess what! -- you've already started to! Basic elements of a Feng Shui wedding are to choose auspicious dates that end in a 8 or 9. I believe your wedding date is set for the 19th (not that you're even engaged, but anyway...), so this is excellent. Apparently a wedding date with the number ending in 9 signifies eternal love and brings completion.

Take a look at lucky color combinations according to Feng Shui Wedding Expert, Kathryn Weber:

What do certain color combinations mean?

Reds and gold (ochre)/yellow/beige: Harmony and prosperity, good luck and happiness

Black and white: male and female, harmony

Green and purples (can be lavenders or light purple): Growth, longevity and wealth

Metal colors: Creativity/children

Yellow and white: Heaven and earth

Green and blue: Growth and wealth

Red and green: Happy luck and success

Black and green: Wealth, growth and longevity

Especially auspicious color combinations:

* gold & purple (great wealth),

* silver & purple (great wealth),

* green & purple (great abundance),

* purple & white, (harmony of yin and yang)

* purple & black (career and financial success)

Sadly, I don't see any mention of orange in here, but let me know what you guys decide!

DomestiGals, have any of you had a mini Feng Shui Wedding? Or, what traditions and fun-set-up ideas have you used at your weddings and around your home?

Love,

Superstitious Sue

Domestics and Diapers

Jen,

How I long to be by Colossus's side, with a martini on one hand and a dominatrix's whip in the other, telling you to quit whining and squeeze your glutes a bit harder. Just keep in mind that the more you practice your frontal and dorsal kegel exercises, the better it'll be for your bod and The Lawyer's rod.

Who just said that?

Meanwhile, I left the Domestic Partner alone in our apartment in the Village to attend The Mermaid Parade, so that I could spend my weekend hiking with the family in Vermont. As a Health Consultant, of course it's absolutely imperative that I have flat abs that one can eat sushi off of 24/7. (Hello, didn't anyone see Samantha in Sex and the City: The Movie yet? How I long to be 50 and dating a 29 year old in real life.)

Anyway, you can check out some of the military hikes I took the fam out here: http://www.vtstateparks.com/htm/buttonbay.cfm
http://www.south-burlington.com/recdept/redrocks.htm. The first one, Button Bay, is where my friend got married when we were 19 and I played the piano in her wedding. It's so nice to have worked my way up to Mistress Minister from Stereotypical Asian Pianist.

Speaking of all things Asian, have you given more thought to who's going to be your photographer at the wedding? I'd give an 80% tip to anyone who can guarantee our all-around-hotness. Um, I meant, you and The Lawyer's all-around-hotness, not mine.

While you cry over strangers' wedding albums, I continue to build up what I hope will be a strong investment portfolio with one of my broker's. I thought of you, my darling DG, only because I bumped into a tres pregnant classmate of mine while in his office this morning. She was obsessing over not knowing yet how to put on a diaper, and I continued to cross and criss-cross my legs, hoping to not get pregnant from her overabundance of hormones. Yes, I'm still in my anti-kid phase. I do promise, however, to spoil rotten your triplets.

Love,

Auntie Wendi