Butt-Busting Tips from a Blushing Bride-to-Be

Sue,

I have had a few requests to share how my tuchus is looking so fine these days. And while I cannot give away all of Colossus' secrets, I do have some tips I'd be thrilled to spill into DomestiGal Land.

Granted, you all must take my word for it when I say I'm lookin' hot. But I'd be the first to admit if my efforts with Colossus were not paying off. It would not be worth banning Nutella from my pantry, trust me.

So here is an example of one of my workouts (which takes about an hour):
Elevated lunges (4 sets/8 reps)
Chest presses (4 sets/8 reps)
[break]
Lunge jumps (4 sets/30 reps)
Tricep dips (4 sets/15 reps OR 8 reps with weight)
Crunches on the exercise ball (4 sets/15 reps)
Push-ups (4 sets/10 reps)
[break]
Tabata squat and press (8 sets/8 reps)

Here in more detail are some of the tuchus-oriented moves:

Elevated lunges - 4 sets of 8 reps per leg, with weights in each hand
I do these with one foot up on a step, like the side of a treadmill. The elevation increases the range of motion. Also, some exercise mags or books tell you that you have to keep your front leg at a 90-degree angle when you lunge down: FALSE. Feel free to bend the leg over your foot - the farther the range of motion the more muscles you will use. Also, remember, don't be afraid to use heavy weights. Women's legs are stronger than men's, so we can handle some major weight with this exercise without developing gladiator legs. The heavier the weights I use, the more toned - not big - my legs look the next day. It is truly a Dyson-caliber miracle!

Step-ups - 4 sets of 8 reps per leg, with weights in each hand; try to work up to 15 reps per leg
These will kick your hiney but in a good way! Substitute them for the lunges in the workout above. Take a weight in each hand. Stand next to a sturdy(!!!) bench. Put one foot up on the bench. Step up with that leg, and bring your other knee up to your chest, then back down to the floor. Repeat 8 times, then move to the other side of the bench and switch legs. These are a total cardio workout too. Bonus!

Lunge jumps - 4 sets of 30 reps (NO weights on this one! They are hard enough as-is!)
Stand with your hands on your hips. Jump into a lunge (one foot forward, one back, kneeling almost to the floor). From that position, as you stand up, jump again - switching legs into another lunge. Colossus makes me do this for at least a minute straight, which is hell. On my own I do 30 reps (Ssshhhh! Don't tell him!).

Squat-thrusts - 4 sets of 30 reps (No weights on this one either!)
The Lawyer and I call these "Froggy Jumps" - start in a downward-dog-like position (for you Domestic Yogis!), with palms on the floor, feet on the floor, and your butt up in the air. Jump forward, as high a jump as you can and as far forward as you can; then jump back to starting position. Repeat as fast as you can. Substitute these for the lunge jumps in the workout above.

Ok, on to Tabata!

This is the grand finale of every workout with Colossus (read: the most butt-kicking exercise of all, coming at the end of the workout when you're already totally exhausted)...

Tabata has many variations but the important thing is this: do intervals of 20 seconds on, 10 seconds off, for about 4 minutes. This is a great, fat-burning end to a workout and was the result of a landmark study in 1996 by this guy, Dr. Izumi Tabata:

And his peeps.

The way I do it is this: Start with weights in each hand. Stand with your feet about shoulder-width apart, whatever is comfortable for squatting down. Curl the weights up to your shoulders. Squat down as far as you can go (stick that butt out!), and as you stand up, press the weights up until your arms are straight up and you are standing straight up. Bring the weights back to your shoulders and repeat.

PHEW!

Feelin' the burn yet, ladies?

If any of you have other workout tips (ahem, concave-stomached SUE!) feel free to share! Communal hotness abounds!

Your squatting fiend forever,

Domestic Goddess Jen

P.S. I also just happened upon this FABULOUS blog by the Fit Bottomed Girls (first of all could I love their name any more? No, I could not.). Gals, you will be hearing more about (and from!) these ladies in the near future... until then, squat yourselves silly!

More ring talk! Has DomestiGal Sue lost her mind?

DomestiGal Jen,

Oy. I just can't even believe you're heading back to school to complete your MBA. The thought of you straining your brain to do something other than wedding gift shopping is just beyond the beyond! Please remember the rest of us in DomestiGal Land when you're off nerding out.

Okay, so I finally found two rings that I'm pretty much ridiculously obsessed with. And, best yet, my new friend Yaf has worked at the store, Versani, for the past several years. We met the other night at my business coach, Kim's, fabulous birthday party at Kittichai.

Ahem. Obviously what's more important than rings? Food, duh.

First I have to tell you all about the food I had at Kittichai in SoHo, because it was beyond the beyond fabulous.

*Coconut and organic chicken relish with crispy jasmine rice crackers
*Seabass tempura with sweet chili-tamarind sauce
*Chocolate baby back ribs with Thai spices
Um, excuse me, did you hear me?
That's right, CHOCOLATE baby back ribs with Thai spices.

(Jen, get your hand out of that Nutella Jar, you Dirty DomestiGal! Colossus insists that your rear end be tighter than Michael Phelps' bum by next year. How do you expect your dress-of-dreams to zip up if you continue to be so undisciplined!)

*Flourless chocolate cake with fresh cream
*Banana spring rolls with honey cream

Jen, do tell the rest of our community how all that personal training and no-carb diet is working out for you? Any special vitamins you're taking recently?

Dear god I'm such a terrible, fat cow and a lousy friend.

Anyway, back to the matter of my left hand.

Check it here.












www.versani.com

I know all you DomestiGal diamond-lovers out there will be horrified that I want this as my "partnership ring." But I just love it.

I'm also pretty much obsessed with this one as well. Check it, ladies, here.













www.versani.com

So this is how I see it. Right now, gold is tres in here in Manhattan. (That said, I suppose gold is always very in during the summer time.) Anyway, I'm kind of thinking that gold one can be my pseudo engagement ring (even though I never plan to be engaged... or married for that matter), and then the first one, the Russian Wedding Band, can be my official DomestiGal Partnership Ring. Oops, ahem. Of course I meant my official Domestic Partner Partnership Ring.

Some days I'll wear gold; other days I'll wear white gold.

And obviously my underwear will always match.

Love,

Foie-gras and fat eating Sue

The Colossal Spawn

Sue,

I am embarrassed to admit this. I cannot even believe I have forgotten to tell you.

So The Lawyer and I have been working out with our trainer, Colossus, twice a week for about three months now. Have I mentioned I can now dead-lift one hundred and forty three pounds?! Hot, right?

Anyway, so we are both totally smitten with our trainer - not only has he transformed our bods, but he is just a great guy - and last week before our session, The Lawyer and I went on a very special shopping trip... because Colossus is having a baby! 

Yes, that's right. His girlfriend is about to pop out the Colossal Spawn. A baby boy, which is obviously just perfect. A little mini weightlifting machine! They just picked out a name, which I will keep from the blogosphere but let me just say it is a total gladiator name, which is genius. I seriously cannot wait to meet this little dude.

Plus, the Colossal Spawn gave us (me) the perfect excuse to shop at my FAVE store here in the UK, Cath Kidston. Wanna see what we got him? Prepare for your biological clock to be assaulted:

Image courtesy of Cath Kidston

It's a little cowboy dining set! Complete with sippy cup, spoon, and bowl with a suction cup to keep it on the table. We thought the cowboy theme was unabashedly American, perfect for our gift to Colossus and Spawn. (Plus, they didn't have a Gladiator/Barbarian pattern - cowboys are as macho as Cath gets.) Apparently the little (big) guy already has a closet full of clothes, so we wanted to get them something useful. 

Except, we couldn't resist this:

Image courtesy of Cath Kidston

Yes, those are cowboys and covered wagons. I mean. Do you love it or do you LOVE it? 

All I can say is, I hope Cath is still making this pattern when I'm preggo with a boy. Sigh. Until then, at least we have the Colossal Spawn to spoil.

Ok, must go tame the biological clock.

xoxo,

DG

Michael and Me and our Adulteress Crushes

Dear Jen,

Well, since The Doctor is currently out of town, I guess it's okay for me to talk about Me and Michael Phelps. Apparently we're not the only gals talking about him and whether or not he has a girlfriend!

Check out this site here:

They include comments from girls that include "We love you Michael!" to "Dude, that guy needs his teeth fixed." (Damn the girl who wrote this!) Then, of course my favorite comment was the following: "I do not understand how Michael Phelps can be straight. He is too deep and has too much soul to be a straight man. I find it hard to believe this. The straight press at the begging of American girls and young women with their pants on fire will provide lots of smoke to satisfy them in their heat, but I wonder if Michael isn't gay."

Um, I love gay men assuming all good looking guys are gay. Actually, I must admit that here in NYC I tend to think, "Gay until proven straight." But that's another posting.

Regardless, let's take a DomestiGals moment to watch him and this Michael Phelps Sexy Tribute, courtesy YouTube. (DomestiGals Disclaimer: We are tres anti-exploiting people for their looks since people always exploit us for our own sexiness; however, we are keen observers of human anatomy, which is why we watch this video on repeat with a tall glass of milk)



Jen. I have a burning question. Is Michael Phelps sexier than Colossus, your personal trainer? Or is it a hot and heavy competition??

Just a few more hours before my Domestic Partner gets home; until then, I'll be pretending to swim in my bathtub while watching all the Michael Phelps music videos that have come out in the last week. "Accidentally in Love" may or may not be one of my favorites. But shhhh... don't tell anyone.



xx,
Sue

Why I Heart and Hate Europe

Sue,

Sorry it has taken me a few days to reply... I am finally recovered from your scandalous commentary (and the scary visuals that went with it - yikes). Not that I'm opposed to porn, per se, but, well, yes, I think perhaps you need a break. Ack! Now I'm all flustered again. Ok, focus.

So, I spoke too soon. Not about porn, but about chocolate. Specifically, Nutella (or, as it is known to us true devotees, Sex in a Jar). I knew I should not have made such a big deal about banishing Nutella from my pantry and my heart until my honeymoon. Because I live in Europe now, and as the old saying goes, you can take the girl out of the Nutella, but you can't take the Nutella out of the continent. Or whatever.

LOOK AT THIS:

Your eyes do not deceive you. That is a GIANT GLASS PITCHER of Nutella, you know, just casually gracing the shelf of a grocery store.

Argh! Will Colossus and my upcoming nuptials be enough to help me conquer this foe???

Stay tuned. And put the vibrator down.

xoxo,

DG

We Fit

My dear DP,

I emailed my friend Sasha to fill her in on my new training regimen, and couldn’t help but attach a photo of my uberhot trainer. She perhaps captured my journey to fitness best: "There are really no words for your trainer. How are you doing without wine?"

Which, considering my behavior back in NYC, especially right before we moved (you know the combo of the holidays + leaving my job + saying goodbye to all my NYC peeps was an alcohol-bloat- extravaganza), is an understandable reaction and a fair question. But what's miraculous, besides Colossus himself, obv, is the fact that I haven't missed alcohol! I haven't missed chocolate! And the only carb I've longed for is this fabulous granola they make at one of the grocery stores over here. I mean that stuff must be laced with crack. The BF and I could polish off one huge-ass bag a week. I somehow found a way to incorporate it into every meal, even more creatively than I did with Nutella. (Because let's face it, more often than not I would just eat Nutella out of the jar with a spoon. Who doesn’t?)

Anyway, all this is to say that I am very proud of myself for conquering my vices and getting fit for real. Of course, if your wedding is not going to motivate you to put down the Nutella jar, what will? But it's incredibly empowering to feel like the BF and I are changing our lifestyle for the better. And I thought you, Ms. Fitness Guru, would appreciate that.

Xoxo,

DG

P.S. In case you didn't notice, that subject line up there is a clever little pun (if I do say so myself) - you know, Wii Fit? We (the BF and I) are Fit? Get it? But seriously, I feel a little weird to be obsessed with a Nintendo product but I cannot wait for the BF to purchase us a Wii Fit - which I know he will, because he is a gadgetaholic. Have you seen these things? You can do yoga on it! You can do balance exercises on it! It's like having your own personal trainer right at home! Not that anything could ever replace Colossus. But. I'm just saying. The Wii Fit looks hot.

Lady of Leisure Gets Reprimanded

Jen,

It’s funny. I had never visited the Tiffany’s website or knew the difference between cushion or princess diamonds before I met you, my beloved Domestic Goddess. To me they all looked the same, and a baguette was something you ate in France, rather than put around your diamond.

My point is this: you are the queen of all this stuff! If anyone can plan a super-duper-icky-cheesy-ridiculously-sweet-making-Domestic-Partner-barf wedding, it’s you!

I think it’s just a minor bump in your journey down the Thames River. You should be taking advantage of making all your girlfriends jealous over the remaining Lady of Leisure months you have! I mean, ew, you are spending your days seeing your trainer, shopping, and then seeing your future hubby in the evenings and boinking him. You’re like all those mummies at our fundraising job that we used to hate because we were so jealous of them.

All will be well soon, not to worry. In the meantime, maybe you can make this wedding planning chaos a bit more fun. For instance, play naked twister, but under each of the circles, have different options for what the appetizers should be. If you fall on a red circle, maybe that means you’ll have duck rather than chicken as the main course.

I don’t know, all this stuff is giving me a big pre-coital headache. This is why I got DPd at the bank.

Onward, DG, onward!

Wendi

Why Isn't This More Fun?

Ah Wendi,

I love how your keen sense of ladylike decorum comes through in your writing. I will never think of my protein shakes the same way again.

Hope you had a good weekend though. I miraculously survived another training session with Colossus and am anticipating another successful cleaning date with my beloved Dyson this morning.

But, alas, I'm feeling a little down. About this wedding planning stuff.

You know, before I met The Lawyer, I never allowed myself to visit TheKnot.com. Well, ok, fine. I might have typed the address into my web browser a few or dozen or so times, out of sheer boredom and desperation and inability to think of anywhere else to surf. But I never allowed myself to set up a profile.

I just knew it would be worth the wait. The BF would propose, I'd have my Ring of Dreams on my finger, and the sun would be shining and angels singing on the day I opened my laptop and logged into The Knot as a bride-to-be.

Things didn't exactly turn out that way, not that I mind. In fact I kind of love that the BF and I are doing things a bit inversely, booking our dream location before actually getting engaged (not that the event manager knows - sshhh!). Plus, it makes sense for me, since I will be starting my MBA in September. Best to get this stuff done now, as a Lady of Leisure, before I become a Student of Stress. I feel secure and happy and excited to get engaged and I think our family and friends will get a kick out of the fact that we booked everything before our actual engagement. I mean it's cute, right?

Me to family member/friend: "Guess what? I'm ENGAGED!"

FM/F: "That's great! I am so happy for you! Have you thought about a date?"

Me: "Yup! And a time, and a location. Invitations forthcoming. And there will be fabulous mini grilled cheese sandwiches passed during the 4:30-5:30 cocktail hour."

I mean, that's cute, right?

So why isn't this more fun?

We booked our date a couple weeks ago, and I had the green light to start planning, so off I went… and then I stalled. It wasn't until recently that I was able to sit myself back down to look at some caterer's websites. We also received our lengthy contracts in the mail, but signing them (and the deposit check to go along with them) was more painful than joyful.

Don't get me wrong. I was listening when EVERY bride EVER declared that planning a wedding is stressful. But this is, like, one of the only things on my docket right now. I could browse wedding sites all day, every day, la dee da, without a care in the world save for my aching legs courtesy of Colossus. And I am determined to have fun with it, dammit! Who cares if I don't have my Ring of Dreams tossing glorious rays of light around my kitchen as I type? Who cares if I am completely financially dependent on my fian - excuse me, boyfriend - right now and thus feel twice the pressure of a lack of liquid funds with which to consider satin linens over polyester and butternut squash soup served in a wee carved out pumpkin over a plain old bowl?

Oh - I care. Crap.

Wah...
DG

Protein and Poop

DG,

I can't wait to hear about your future bowel movements (or lack thereof), with all the protein you'll be eating! Have you ever noticed how you get constipated from eating too much sushi or sashimi? If not, you'll soon discover the wonders of being all stuffed up from too much sausage. Sadly, I'm not talking about The Lawyer's.

Just remember the following before you workout: keep carbohydrates to zilch up to 2 hours before you workout. If you eat carbs (and this includes the good carbs, like apples, my friend), it signals the pancreas to secrete insulin. This is all fine and normal, but when there's insulin in your system, you can't burn fat. And, while I know you want to be shaking that fine bum for Colossus, it's imperative you burn the bubble butt your entire workout! I always work my glutes from all different directions every time I workout -- it's the largest muscle in the bod, so it'll help rev up the metabolism quickest. Plus, it just makes it so much more spankable for other activities.

In terms of how terrible you feel during your workouts, this'll all subside. When I started strength training, I wanted to knock myself out. There were times I was convinced I was going to crap my pants if I did another leg press. But now I can press 600 pounds and discuss whether we should raise interest rates to help the US Dollar with no problems whatsoever! Speaking of leg pressing, the other day I watched this woman do the leg press with her poodle on her lap and her trainer by her side. Ah, New York.

Keep pushin' on the pot and on the weight, DG!

Love,

She-Ra

Domestic Gimp Seeks Sue Wisdom

Sue.

Ok, so you were my original fitness guru, before I was cast into the big, beefy, brawny arms of Colossus. And now here I am, hobbling back to you for some girl-guru-to-girl-gimp advice.

You see, as embarrassed as I am to admit it, I am still sore. I worked out with the man FIVE DAYS AGO and I am still sore. What is wrong with me??? I thought I was fit! I mean, I've run two marathons! Come on people! You know I was fit. Heck, even Colossus admits that I'm fitter than I look (thanks a lot, mister). And it's nothing mayjah - I didn't injure myself or anything. It's just that this is a record of patheticness for me, if I do say so myself. Still so sore I can't walk like a normal human being five days after a training session?! Ridiculous. It only took me 48 hours to recover from running a marathon, for goodness sake! Not to mention the fact that this is really putting a damper on my domestic duties.

So, guru, what do I do? Besides popping Motrin like it's the candy I can no longer eat because all I eat now is protein. Do I stretch (which really hurts)? Do I take walks? Is there something wrong with me?

Oh, and speaking of protein? Colossus says to jumpstart Bridal Boot Camp I have to be eating 1g of protein per pound of body weight. Which I did a few days ago, and, well, all I ate that day was protein (eggs, meat, nuts, protein powder shakes). How can this be good for me?

Help me, wise Wendi!

xoxo
DG*

*Domestic Gimp, obv.

Domestics and Diapers

Jen,

How I long to be by Colossus's side, with a martini on one hand and a dominatrix's whip in the other, telling you to quit whining and squeeze your glutes a bit harder. Just keep in mind that the more you practice your frontal and dorsal kegel exercises, the better it'll be for your bod and The Lawyer's rod.

Who just said that?

Meanwhile, I left the Domestic Partner alone in our apartment in the Village to attend The Mermaid Parade, so that I could spend my weekend hiking with the family in Vermont. As a Health Consultant, of course it's absolutely imperative that I have flat abs that one can eat sushi off of 24/7. (Hello, didn't anyone see Samantha in Sex and the City: The Movie yet? How I long to be 50 and dating a 29 year old in real life.)

Anyway, you can check out some of the military hikes I took the fam out here: http://www.vtstateparks.com/htm/buttonbay.cfm
http://www.south-burlington.com/recdept/redrocks.htm. The first one, Button Bay, is where my friend got married when we were 19 and I played the piano in her wedding. It's so nice to have worked my way up to Mistress Minister from Stereotypical Asian Pianist.

Speaking of all things Asian, have you given more thought to who's going to be your photographer at the wedding? I'd give an 80% tip to anyone who can guarantee our all-around-hotness. Um, I meant, you and The Lawyer's all-around-hotness, not mine.

While you cry over strangers' wedding albums, I continue to build up what I hope will be a strong investment portfolio with one of my broker's. I thought of you, my darling DG, only because I bumped into a tres pregnant classmate of mine while in his office this morning. She was obsessing over not knowing yet how to put on a diaper, and I continued to cross and criss-cross my legs, hoping to not get pregnant from her overabundance of hormones. Yes, I'm still in my anti-kid phase. I do promise, however, to spoil rotten your triplets.

Love,

Auntie Wendi

Bridal Boot Camp Begins...

Dear Wendi,

Holy crap. I started Bridal Boot Camp yesterday, on what otherwise would have been a perfect Sunday. And by "perfect Sunday" - also known as "life before Boot Camp" - I mean this:

Sleep in.
Wake up refreshed and ready for a little romance (if you know what I mean).
Homemade brunch (using items purchased at the Notting Hill farmers' market the day before): blueberry pancakes, bacon, sausage, chocolate croissant, full-fat Greek yogurt with honey and granola, fresh-squeezed OJ.
Vegging and snuggling and possibly back to bed.

Instead, my Sunday consisted of this:

Wake up to alarm.
Tired and mildly cranky.
Workout nerves + fatigue = no, um, romance.
Pre-Boot Camp breakfast: one scrambled egg, three pieces of broccoli, small handful of almonds.
Ass handed to me by our new trainer, who will hence be known as Colossus.

I know it will all be worth it when I look hotter on my wedding day than I have ever looked in my life, but man. Life without carbs, chocolate, cheese, and - wait for it - ALCOHOL?! Just. Wrong.

Granted, we are only going carbless and boozeless for two weeks. Then we can slowly start adding these necessities back into our diet. And I must begrudgingly admit that since the BF and I started eating more protein and cut out the wine/beer/port/cider/champagne/Jaeger (kidding - I haven't been able to drink that since the Drunken Archaeologist Campsite Laundry Incident of 2000) a few days ago, I am feeling pretty good. Well, or, I was. Until this morning. Well, actually, until the middle of last night. When my soreness started waking me up every time I rolled over.

Today is not much of an improvement. I am already two Motrin in, with plenty more to go. I am hobbling around like I have a dumbbell up my tuchus, and my soreness almost - almost - kept me from my favorite sacred domestic ritual: my Monday morning date with Dyson.

TG I was able to rally.

Hoping you're sore this morning for a better reason than I (if you know what I mean)...

xoxo,
DG