My Ancestral Awakening (Don't Tell Colossus!)

Fraulein Sue,

I have had an ancestral awakening. I have never been so proud of the fact that my last name ends in two - not one, but TWO - "n"'s. For real. I feel connected to my German heritage for the first time since being forced to act excited about it for "Ethnicity Day" in fourth grade.

Let me explain.

The BF and I needed to leave the country so I could come back in and validate my student visa. The perfect excuse for a Munich mini-break, no?

Mind you, I was not particularly interested in going to Germany. I had never been that enthused about my German roots. The language gets caught in your throat, the people seem a bit harsh and overly brawny, and the beer-guzzling is so not conducive to looking hot in a wedding dress. But seeing as we are only a two-hour jetlagless flight away from my ancestral home, there was really no excuse.

I have no idea where in Germany my family is actually from, but I have hereby embraced Munich as the land of my forefathers. What a great town! 

The glockenspiel! 

Underwhelming and overrated, yet nevertheless endearing!

The dirndls! 

I am set for slutty - I mean, traditional - Halloween costumes for life!

The weisswursts! 

I was in hog heaven (literally). 

Also? My new obsession now that the Olympics are over: Hofbrauhaus. Beers and pretzels as big as your head. Definitely not Colossus-sanctioned but a to the mazing. Not to mention the effortlessly fabulosity-oozing locals:

I am desperately hoping this man is my long-lost great-uncle.

My new affinity for my native culture does not mean we will be giving away beer steins as wedding favors, nor will the dress code be changed to "Lederhosen Chic." But still. I am thrilled to have discovered that I do feel connected to my beer-guzzling, big-boned ethnic roots after all.

Auf Wiedersehen,

Fraulein Jen

Porn and Partnerships

Dear Domestic Goddess,

Ahem. How are you living in Europe without eating granola every single day? When I studied in Paris, I used to stay home on Friday nights (or, perhaps, also on Saturday nights), just to eat my granola with real chocolate chunks in it. I would race down the hallway to my friend's room and order her to hide the box of chocolate granola from me! Why the U.S. can't have this simple delight is beyond comprehension; that said, I'd be 20 pounds heavier if they did.

So. Um. Did you guys seriously not eat carbs and not drink in Italy? That seems a bit insane. No gelato? No red wine? No pasta? DG, I no longer have respect for you.

Things in Domestic Partnership land are grand, I will admit. Thankfully, I'm on baby-hiatus, no doubt in part to the fact that you've returned from your big voyage. I've got home-hunting on my mind, rather than leg-spreading.

Speaking of which... I've decided I need to take a break from porn. My addiction to it has gone too far, and I need a long hiatus. Have you and The Lawyer started watching it together yet? When The Doctor was gone last weekend, I went a bit vibrator-crazy with some of my favorite porn sites. Aside from the fact that one of the sites downloaded annoying SpyWare on my computer, I realized that I was about to vibrate myself to oblivion.

Okay, The Doctor is behind me now, giving my shoulders a wonderful deep tissue massage. I'm off, DG, I'm off!

Love,

Twinkie Princess

Protein and Poop

DG,

I can't wait to hear about your future bowel movements (or lack thereof), with all the protein you'll be eating! Have you ever noticed how you get constipated from eating too much sushi or sashimi? If not, you'll soon discover the wonders of being all stuffed up from too much sausage. Sadly, I'm not talking about The Lawyer's.

Just remember the following before you workout: keep carbohydrates to zilch up to 2 hours before you workout. If you eat carbs (and this includes the good carbs, like apples, my friend), it signals the pancreas to secrete insulin. This is all fine and normal, but when there's insulin in your system, you can't burn fat. And, while I know you want to be shaking that fine bum for Colossus, it's imperative you burn the bubble butt your entire workout! I always work my glutes from all different directions every time I workout -- it's the largest muscle in the bod, so it'll help rev up the metabolism quickest. Plus, it just makes it so much more spankable for other activities.

In terms of how terrible you feel during your workouts, this'll all subside. When I started strength training, I wanted to knock myself out. There were times I was convinced I was going to crap my pants if I did another leg press. But now I can press 600 pounds and discuss whether we should raise interest rates to help the US Dollar with no problems whatsoever! Speaking of leg pressing, the other day I watched this woman do the leg press with her poodle on her lap and her trainer by her side. Ah, New York.

Keep pushin' on the pot and on the weight, DG!

Love,

She-Ra