The Fake Joint Bank Account

Jen,

Alas, I must admit that I’d rather have chronic diarrhea for the rest of my life than plan a wedding; however, I’m excited for you guys to get hitched and seal my karma. And, of course, I’m all set to get my online minister certificate with The Universal Life Church and wear a totally inappropriate hot red dress to your wedding. Did I tell you that they insist I sign an agreement saying, essentially, that all people are nice? Yawn.

Scott and I opened up a fake joint bank account yesterday solely to prove we’re domestic partners. Domestic partnerships = excellent health insurance = free medical massages for Wendi. Did you see the article in the NY Times the other week about how couples are getting married just for health insurance? They may as well have interviewed me during a shiatsu session.

Our appointment at the bank went as follows:

Nice bank lady: "How much would you like to start your account with?"
Wendi: "Could you just open it with this $5 bill?"

Nice bank lady: “Would you like an ATM card for your joint account?”
Wendi: “Nah.”

NBL: “Would you like checks with both of your names on it?”
Wendi: “Um, doesn’t that cost $20? No thanks.”

NBL: “Do you both want online access to the account?”
Control Freak Wendi: “I’ll be the only one accessing the account. Are there any penalties associated with closing the joint account within a few weeks?”

Confused but Nice Bank Lady: “You did say you wanted a joint account, right?”
Wendi: “This is really more of a formality.”

Tomorrow our bank account will be official, and then we’re going to the post office to have our domestic partnership proof verification notarized. Essentially, we’re getting married by the angry mail lady!

Beyond awesome. Scott wants to dress up for the occasion.

xx,
Your solemn and faithful future minister