Saturday, September 13, 2008

Sue's Solid Spandex Workout


I still can't get the image out of my head of Colossus pinching the fat around your knee to measure body fat. I mean, I've seen your knees, and they're lovely. Just lovely.

Honestly, I think I'd rather sit back and drink my martini as you naughtily huff and groan around Colossus. Jen, how I'd love to test the bounce in your marathon-running-bottom now that you have such an even firmer foundation.

Alas, I must admit that my speedy metabolism must come from all the fish and fish oil my dear Asian mummy served me when I was a little whiner. (I think all my now-fat-and-fugly former elementary classmates probably curse the day they ever made fun of my Hello Kitty lunchboxes filled with brown rice, fish and veggies!)

Or, of course, perhaps I just drink too much Folgers. Hmpf.

But, I must admit that my #1 secret (aside from a nice romp in the hay with The Doctor, of course) must be The Abominable Abduction machine.

You see, what I learned in all my health studies classes is that since the butt is the largest muscle in the body, it has the largest overall effect on all the other muscles in the body. So, the sooner you engage your butt, the quicker your metabolism speeds up! Sometimes, when I only have 20 minutes in the gym, I'll just work my butt.

I use the Life Fitness machines at New York Health and Racquet Club in the East Village. (Yes, Jen, I decided to join your former gym just because I missed you so much! I said adieu to both pee-on-the-floor New York Sports Club and heavenly-but-won't-have-money-for-retirement Equinox). My best friend in the world is the ABduction machine. I'm currently butt squeezing 290 pounds (the machine only goes up to 320!), 3 sets of 12 until complete muscular failure.

Sadly, my chiropractor told me that I probably walk so duck-like because my butt is stronger than a bulldog in heat and my former days as a pointe-shoe-wearing ballerina don't help things at all. (Yet another reason I never want to walk down the wedding aisle! I can't tell you how frequently my friends tell me they see me "quacking" down the street from a half mile away.)

After I do the ABduction machine, I then do the Leg Press (90 pounds to 400, depending on the CAM/physics of the machine) until muscular failure as well. Long ago I used to do the Dead Lift, and the most I ever dead lifted was maybe 155 pounds and I think you and The Lawyer are dead lifting Colossus, his partner, and their new baby one-armed no doubt.

(By the way, is this Colossus' newborn baby?)

The other day, I went on a 4 hour hike in Muir Woods, and, unfortunately, I brought the New York heat with me to California. What ever possessed me and Jean-Michel to hike in 80 degree weather is beyond me.

This said, I made sure to squeeze my glutes with every step. You know how most girls were obsessed with "I must, I must, I must increase my bust!"? Well, I'd rather squeeze my buns, as there nothing cute about having cottage cheese in the southern hemisphere of a DomestiGal body.

DomestiGals -- what are your pre-wedding workout routines? Do you run 25 miles per week or do you do the Somersize and hope for the best?


Suzanne Somers wannabe


Bekah said...

agreed~! Id rather have a small chest and a nice bum!

also "(I think all my now-fat-and-fugly former elementary classmates probably curse the day they ever made fun of my Hello Kitty lunchboxes filled with brown rice, fish and veggies!)" AWESOME

Bayjb said...

I would like a nice balance between bum and bust. Don't want to look like I have too much junk in my trunk. I do balance between butt gym attention and whole body and now my rear has a nice shape.